I miss you.
Rarely does a day go by that a memory of you does not enter my mind.
Choices, lifestyles, conflict, lack of humility and much more beyond the awareness of many has created this separation of ways.
No longer do we share many of the chapters of the same book. Different lives we lead. One too proud to be accountable for their actions. One no longer able to tolerate old, hurtful nuances of character from the other. It is in the self growth of one that separates the other. Living a life of accountability. Striving to understand the value of one’s life. While the other would rather die in dysfunction, then admit to any part in the separation of once was a connected friend.
A life time of history shared made no matter. Decades of sharing memories made no matter. For it is the pseudo balance of a mobile, that is the path you chose. An easy one to follow. I make no judgement in your choosing’s, for it is, without a doubt, an easier path to stay on that is all too familiar, then to dare to have the courage to step beyond that mistaken imbalance. For it is the imbalance that dares to strive for a better life.
The other chooses self improvement, and awareness over the all familiar path of dysfunction.
It is in our choices, that are paths part.
One goes on to break yet another cycle of self destruction and seek out her own value in life.
The other pays no interest in making the efforts it takes to sustain a long friendship as ours. Your choice is your choice.
One has learned lessons of many. That devaluing oneself is the greatest sacrifice of all.
One has learned that so much love was given to so many, who had little love to return.
Chasing after a love that had no intention of loving in return.
Perhaps, it is in the paths we choose, taking on a completely different book to write the continued story of our lives without each other in it, that will be a destiny that will better suit both of us. I know it already has for one.
But I will still always miss you. Never will there be another replacement of such a long friendship as ours.
I know the value of it. One does not. But it is those choices that lead us to new beginnings.
I choose to think of it as a not a period at the end of a sentence in a book, but a possible comma in the middle of a sentence, with more story to be told. One never knows what the future brings. But one knows that it is far greater a risk to move backwards in time, or remain stagnant, then to move forward courageously.
Peace be with you my friend
P.S. I wrote this in healing the loss of long friendship, hoping to my own healing of lost friendships, and speak to others who have undoubtedly experienced the same. It is loss of one friendship that speaks my deepest hurt, above others, but I want to see it in a light of love, instead of in the darkness cloaked by bitterness, anger and spite. I want to feel love and be at peace, despite the energy of vengence and hatred I receive from the lost friend. It is in my writing, that I come slowly to that place.
Acceptance being the grandest of all thoughts to enter the mind, body and soul. For I do belish in the gifts that have been given when I was freed by the chains of unhealthy friendships and the lessons, although painful, that have become my current awareness. I grieve the loss, celebrate the doors that have opened in my courage to stay away and to heal from the loss and destruction.
For, I do not wish to remain embittered, but to love them as I once did. To remember then as I once did, with distance being the provided space of healing. As important is to recognize my part in it all, for no two people in any relationship are not each responsible. I only wish to come beyond the hurt and to a place in my heart where the memories of love offer a smile to my face, and the destruction of my choices to have stayed or trusted the untrustworthy, remind me to not make the same mistakes again, and to couragesouly keep space, as our now greatest friend.