Have I made you happy?
Has my life touched you in a way that has brought more joy to your life then all the mistakes combined?
Do you remember me as someone who brings a smile to your face, and allows your whole body to relax with the feeling of comfort and fond memories?
Did the goodness of my spirit touch yours in positive ways, and far outweigh any negativity that divided us?
For it is in this moment of a hostile situation with yet another barn owner, that I recognize the truth of joy and pain. Of respect and sympathy. The difference between deliberate and mistaken intentions.
I recognize the powerlessness that swallows the value of life I hold. I recognize greed in one of it’s ugliest forms. I see the power of those that far outweigh any power I have, and the choices they make for their own selfish needs, taking no consideration of the lives they negatively touch.
And in these moments, I recognize the vulnerability and powerlessness that was bestowed upon me years before in childhood. When I had no choice. When I was forced over and over again to comply to my enforcer’s demands. Each time laying an imprint upon the path of my life. Each time echoing a cause and effect that would be repeated throughout my life.
It surprises me the over abundance of such enforcers in this world. Those that pay no attention to those they have power over. Throwing their weight around, threatening actions, demanding unrealistic requests.
Time and time again, I am hurled into this cul-de-sac. It circles it’s weight around me and over and over again, yet I attempt to respond instead of react. Each time it takes a piece of who I am, and I feel defeated, alone and helpless. Please stop it! Stop this cycle, this repeated imprint of a time that has passed.
It is these experiences, that I acknowledge what I am feeling and finally recognize where it originated from. One situation after another I realized that it is the powerlessness that I feel that has held me captive to these repeated occurences of my life. It is that feeling of having no choices, no place to turn, no answers to the problem, that place me in a fight and flight response.
Just as my horses do, so quickly upon instinct. They too hold the memories, unforgotten of the past that may have scarred them. That imprinted a fear, a powerlessness of their own well being of life.
The lack of value that I had in those moments past. The blatant disregard for my presence then, or how the possibility of my powerful presence in the future was diminished. My life held captive and at risk. The callous and insensitive moments. Robbed of what was more powerful and almighty, then the enforcer’s darkest side. Stripped of innocence, a victim was born.
So, I have to ask myself. How do I become more powerful in these situations? How am I contributing to these situations? How can I change this pattern? What can I do differently to make this outcome different, so future events it will play out differently? Is there anything at all I can do? Or do I just need to accept, this is the deck of cards I have been given, and learn to live with it.
Prepare for it’s uninvited calls. Find a way to feel empowered, and stop living in the ‘fear’ zone. How can I feel empowered in a situation, where the opposing side has more power over me? How can I stop feeling like a victim and start taking my power back?!
Is there only one way out of this? Am I being cornered to accept that I must give up the very thing that I love most dearly in this life? Or is it the very essence of what encompasses who I am, and what was so freely taken from me, that time ago. I allowed it then, I fight for it today!
How ironic it is. The very thing that has become the lifeline as much as the blood that runs through my veins, was also a part of that time ago, when I lost so much that could have been.
It is the farm life, the horses, the animals that I held dear to my heart, from the first breath I took. It was in that very setting, that my enforcer took actions upon me, without my permission.
But it is those horses that have been all I am, they have driven me to live a life of passion. To live a life of honor and regard for other beings that often trust their powerlessness into my hands. I was given the hand of being in the position of having power over another, I made a choice much different. I created a life with my horses that respected the companionship and trust that was given to me. I made a difference. I responded to my horses and to others in my life, that was different then what I had learned.
Today, she is a grown woman, yet her innocence, her vulnerability is reflected directly in front of her, with the life of her horses. The ugliness of the barn owners, reflect the enforcers darkened life and actions. The barn owners are the enforcer. My horses are a reflection of who I was, that time ago, as a small child, before I lost that powerful essence. The horses own innocence, their helplessness, their powerlessness are given to me, as a gift.
So, I have fought, time and time again, against the actions of the barn owners. Fighting for the respect and well being of my horses. Being the voice they don’t have. Just as I wish I would have done, with my enforcer. As the screams from the barn echo it’s haunting upon my life today. I take a stand, as much as I can. I fight. I take flight. I act in a diplomatic way. I approach it differently each time. I learn from it, each time. Each time is an opportunity to relive what I couldn’t do as a child.
Then finally I found respite in an empty barn. 2 blissful years of being in a barn that was encompassed with peace, joy, love and respect. A place where I finally found what worked and offered the value of what I needed most. No longer did I face barn owners, for I was the Queen of my own roost. I ran my own barn, I made my own decisions about my horses and their well being. I had finally found a change that worked!
I literally sang and danced in the aisle ways, on days I was filled with gratitude. I spread my hands up in joy and looked to the stars and gave my earnest thanks for bringing me this barn!
I spoke to my gelding, Jay and said, “look at what we have Jay!”. “We did it!”. We have a barn that is like a home we can call our own. I would rejoice on many occasions. Celebrating these monumental moments of triumph! It was the perfect place. As wonderful as if it was my own.
I had finally reinvented the past and started a new pattern for my future.
But, why now? How did I create it? How did it come about and how do I replicate it?
And why didn’t it last longer? I thought positive thoughts, and I embraced the moments of having such a joy!
Then again, this comes to an end, once again in the negative ways. Repeating themselves. Not as intensely. Yet stressfully. Not as lengthy or as enduring as previous times. Responding as the woman I am today, yet reacting inside as the child that I was back then. I had to place a balance on all of that. Quiet the inner child that wanted to scream, while reconizing the confident woman of today. Staying focused on the skills and experience I had. Understanding to not settle for less. To value and honor my inner callings. To have hope and faith that I was a strong, capable woman.
The same questions of ‘why’ reentered my thoughts. Those dreaded redundant questions.
It was then in those moments that I realized that maybe I need to be asking different questions.
To focus on those questions that would ripple an effect that I could embrace, instead of having a fight or flight response. Instead of reliving the embossed impressions of the darkness from childhood.
And once again, I moved from a barn that I treasured and found yet another barn. Not only did I find one barn, but I found several barns, and was placed in the position of making a decision. I was never given such choices before.
So, I moved to yet another empty barn. One that allows me peace, freedom and all that I dreamed of having. No longer do I stand as that helpless little girl. No longer do I accept the role of a victim, but triumph in confidence as a woman of strength and perseverance that deserves the respect and goodness that I seek.
My call to the angels who watch over me had answered.
I had finally walked away from the moments of the past and was on the path of reinventing my life as I saw the value I bring and as I loved myself more, I was given the life I seek.
The enforcer had left.
I was free!
By Diana Wanamaker
April 9, 2017
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