The Gifts of a Lost Love

Image -man & woman love -source shutterstock:kiulkson

Photograph Credit:  Shutterstock/Kiulkson

I had a dream……….
It was one of those D r e a m s you care to never wake from

I saw the tears of his remorse
I felt his arms around me, hugging me in all sincerity as I wept and wept the tears of loss
tears that longed for more of him
that grieved what was there
And mourned what was never a reality

This love I once had
We shared decades of adventures together
My lover, my friend, my companion

We started out as lovers and ended as friends

It was by no means a healthy standard of love
For it was my heart that was despondently rejected by his own wishes

I longed to feel the love from him, that I felt for him
Yet he reminded me time and time again that I was not seen in his eyes as his girl
Nor would I ever be
We were just friends

As that I left it
Respected it

But deep down I longed to feel the safety of his masculine strength around me
I longed to hear the roar of our laughter
To experience the acceptance of his friendship, despite the arguments, or flaws of my own, or the distance I put between us exasperated from his ‘bad boy’ ways

I longed to know the pursuit of his persistence when I ignored his calls
To know the reunited friendship after time apart, as we had never been separate

It was a roller coaster ride with this man
For his distraction was far more powerful than any love could abide by

With him came uncertainty, deception, manipulation, and a host of dysfunctional behaviors
Yet, over time, we remained together
Through the ebb and tide of this pandemonium life we led

In my heart always longing for more
His direction always reminded me I would never be more

Myself forever pursuing those that rejected me and pushing away those that longed to be near me

I have left a legacy of broken, highly dysfunctional relationships with men (and friendships)
Men who never loved, and quite possibly were never capable of love in that time and space we shared

He is changed today, they tell me, and from what glimpse I have seen
He is happily married and has changed his ‘bad boy’ ways

Yet, for reasons that are clearer to me today, I still dream of the pieces of what we did have that truly were genuine and beautiful
How I long to know that again
My soul cries out to remind me that this too is possible

Not with this one
But with another

For it is my lost love that taught me how to look for the goodness in love
That I had no concept how to choose

It was the degradation of myself that was missing
And the forlorn love that, at times, visits me in a dream
Reminds me that this too is what is missing in life

Today, he has found love and family of his own
Many, many years have passed and we walked away from each other
Each pursuing different paths
Each rebuilding our lives from a life that held us captive a
nd led us apart from who we truly were

It is in these visits of fantasy from dreams or visual longing
That I am reminded of what is possible
From a man where true love never was possible between us

From a man that was once was a broken as I was
had unknowingly given me glimpses of what a healthy love should be

What I should be pursuing
What kind of love I long for in all the possible healthy ways

For today, I am more aware of who I am and what I am worthy of

And it is these visual reminders of a lost love
That tell me that it is me I lacked loving most
And today as I learn to value and love who I am today

It reminds me what I am denying myself of

The beauty of a lost love and friendship I once had
And all that is possible for the future

Given so obscurely from a dejected love of the past
A pleasant gift of possible love for days yet to come

By Diana Wanamaker

Copyright April 30, 2017

All Rights Reserved

2 thoughts on “The Gifts of a Lost Love

    • Awww….that is so sweet of you! Thank You!
      So glad you enjoyed it.
      It is Non Fiction. Including the dream and the relationship I longed for. All my posts are Non-Fiction, unless I share something someone else wrote or ‘share’ another blog post. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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