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I want you to know that you mean the world to me and no matter our differences I would stand with a sword and dagger to protect you from any harm. I would be there for you at a calls notice, if you were facing a life challenge that required loving support. You are my only sibling and no matter what, that will always matter deeply to me. Remember this. Feel it within your heart and soul and know that anything said or experienced beyond this truth, is merely the muddy waters that often complicate family relationships with a tainted history.
It is my belief that relationships don’t work, don’t come together or have a mutual love for one another, because one of the people in the relationship do not have a desire to do the work that is required. That work requires self-awareness & accountability. An honest, deep look into your internal life and how it affects you and those around you.
This being said, I write this letter for myself. To heal, to be able to disconnect (in what I hope is a loving way) from you. This pains me deeply and I can feel the congestion of emotions that I have stifled far too long as I write this.
It is clear to me that I am not of importance to you. Our relationship is not a priority in your life. Much to my own denial, as I shuffle through the archive of memories, it never really has been. Sure, there have been a few moments where you were there. When my life was deeply troubled and I was inferior to you, then you were there briefly to support me.
But as a whole picture, I recall far too many times when I stood alone. I was bullied, triangulated by our mother, used, laughed at, criticized, verbally abused, and left alone on many occasions, with purposeful intent on your behalf. These few distasteful actions were a few of many.
I have made many attempts to reason with you. To work through our differences. To be accountable to one another and heal the wounds of our relationship. I have invited you to counseling sessions. I have written letters asking for what I need, stating how I feel and expressing what I felt from your ill actions, in a respectful way. I even had professional counselors review every word of my letters to you, before sending them, to ensure that it made the point I was seeking to say, as well as be respectful.
But most of all, and what I have come to realize, is the decades I have spent pursuing you. Longing for you to place our relationship as a priority in your life. Longing to have that special sister bond, in time and in person, that I see so many families have. I had this vision of how I wanted to have my sister in my life. I envisioned this close sister bond, even as life drew us apart, in its normal life cycle’s. But, it was my vision, it was not yours.
Even though this came to my awareness on many occasions, & I stopped the pursuit for me to be a part of your life. That awareness would slip away time and time again. The desire was far greater then the truth. But, I was sadly reminded, it was only an illusion. It was only something I desired and it was a wasteful expenditure of my energy and time.
This brought me deep sadness. For where am I without my sister. The only person in my life that I share an entire history of my life. The only person that mimics a piece of who I am, a piece of who we are. Despite how we share the same DNA, and we share the same upbringing. Thinking – being alike in so many ways, yet with those distinct differences that make us individuals.
But it is the pain that brings me here today. It is the distance, avoidance, the lack of accountability on your part that effects me.
Did you know that the only time you contact me, is when you need something? Or when there is a social family gathering? Did you know that I experience chronic criticism ongoing each and every time I see you? Did you know that I experience actions you chose each time you see me that is ridiculing, discounting & undermining the parts of my life that are my highest achievements. The things in my life I am most proud of. Things that others see as noble, inspiring parts of my life.
Did you know this is considered ‘bully’ behavior?
It is only over time and with confidence, that I am able to stand up to you and say in a respectful way, to stop this bullying. Stop criticizing what is important to me. Yet, you continue.
I walk around you carefully, waiting for that next dig, that next insult, or put down. Afraid to respond, afraid to hold you accountable for your actions, for I will hear your wrath bellow back at me in disrespectful ways. Often afraid to say anything, for you will easily disown me as your sister, and you will play the silent treatment for years. I will be left out of the family gatherings.
As I hear your justifications that it is my mistakes and how I harmed you. Or go on about what a horrible person I am. Mistakes that happened decades ago. Mistakes, I have made my peace with. Mistakes I have been accountable to you and to others for. Mistakes I have made my sincere apologies for.
But, others do not hear that part. The story of my history is told by you. A story that is not yours to tell! You have no right to tell your friends, your kids, your husbands, your boyfriends and all others! It is MY story to tell, and I never gave you permission to tell anybody that.
I always wondered when I met your new boyfriends, why they treated me with such disrespect. Why they acted as if they hated me so much, and they didn’t even know me. I then learned the vicious words that were being spread about me, by you, to everyone!
Even though, I can reason through this. I can understand that this is about you, this is not about me. I have done my part to change myself, to make peace with my past, and to offer my apologies to those I have harmed, including you.
It pains me deeply. But know, I will work through it. I will come to peace with it. I will not love you any less for it. But, I also will not stop feeling because of it.
It is through this journey that I have also seen how the betrayals, the abuse, the bullying have become a regular part of my life. I continued to choose friends that were like the relationship I had with my sister. Seeking the love and understanding from friends, that I lacked in a sister relationship.
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With each friend I chose, it was an illusion. They were not true friends. I mattered as much to them, as I do to you. I meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to these friends. I didn’t matter. But you and they mattered deeply to me.
Then I realized how I had been doing this to myself. I had been pursuing those, like you, seeking what I desired from you. Putting those friendships as a priority in my life. They mattered as deeply to me as you matttered to me. They were important to me and I took the time and energy to make sure they remained a part of my life.
But, what I discovered, is I did not matter to them. Just as I do not matter to you.
I was not a priority in their life. Just as I have not been a priority in your life.
I was placing importance on relationships that had no desire to offer any reciprocation of that quality I so longed to have. This of course, brought me great sorrow and caused much pain.
When I realized that I had to walk away from these endless pursuits that offered no reciprocation of importance back to me, I found myself standing alone.
Life long friendships, new friendships, old boyfriends, they all didn’t have a care in the world for me. I was NEVER of importance to them at all. There was no loyalty. There was no mutuality.
This deeply saddened me. And I had to make some serious changes in my life. I had to make ME as most important! I had to value myself as much as I had valued you, as much as I had valued those friendships. I could no longer pretend by pursuing those that continualy walked away. I had to pursue the love for myself, and place that as priority. Just as I had placed you (and many others) as a priority for so many years.
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You are my sister and always will be. I will always love you deeply. But, I can no longer be a part of what creates your reality for you. I must stand up for myself, no matter your wrath. I must keep distance yet keep in tact a small strand of connection. But not at my expense. Not for your pleasure. For me and only me. I must come first! Or else, it is only me that I can blame for being a part of this cyclic dysfunction.
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History, of course, plays a deeper part here. A history where choices were not possible, as young girls. As teenagers. As young adult women.
I have suffered deeply for that history. For that darkness cloaked over me for so long. So much suffering. And it is I that suffered much deeper then you.
I see how the deep dark secrets of our history have escaped your world. Because it has been locked away, not to reveal itself to you. And I see how your life choices all coincide in keeping that darkness locked up.
Walking around as if the world is always happy and ok. When it is not. But that is how you keep it locked away. For to reveal it, would change your world forever. It would be unbearable pain and suffering. The consequences would mark a wrath more consequential then any wrath you have bestowed upon me.
I understand that now.
I was forced to open that dark world. To unlock the door of evil and face it head on. It was a matter of life and death for me. I could not avoid it. I have paid deeply for that darkness, even in it’s revilement.
You, my dear sister, have escaped it’s consequences. There have been some struggles for you, no doubt. I have seen the similarities between some of our struggles. From work places to boyfriends and husbands, I have seen how you have not escaped it entirely.
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Yet, because of how tight that darkness is locked up and that awareness remains hidden away, you have been able to thrive. To find happiness, love, friendships, financial success. To enjoy life, to be loved and admired by friends. To travel the world. To enjoy the life you desired. To enjoy some of the riches of financial security. To know security. To know life as one should. With a magnificently rewarding life, filled with love and respect. To enjoy it’s beauty in all that you place importance upon in your life. To be able to smile, laugh, love & be loved, and more.
Yet, for some reason, you continue the need to diminish my worth in every way possible. To bellow what a dreadful person I am. How nothing I do that is important to me, is any kind of an accomplishment, but rather just a poor decision.
I see you stand behind this so called religious sanction. Bellowing back at me how I am going to hell because I do not believe what you believe. From a metaphysical mind to a rigid, religious person, I have seen you become. As you sit upon your all mighty throne, speaking to me (and others), of how my choices are far inferior to yours.
Distasteful as this is to me, I never speak a bad word of what your choices are. I support your need to have a God in your life. That is what is important to you and I acknowledge that.
But, I know the truth behind some of these actions. These choices in your life. That awareness can never be your reality. For, if you were to really take a wide view at your inner world, that would require much more then making judgements of me. Criticizing and bullying would not be a part of this sisterhood we share. It would require a self awareness I beleive you have never really fully viewed.
For, if you do, it will unveil that deeply locked away secret. The secret that your reoccurring dreams tell you. To NEVER, EVER open the locked door. For behind it lurks something very evil.
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It is true my dear sister. And I agree. Keep it locked away. Keep it far from your reality. Never unlock it.
Unfortunately, because of that, it comes out in sideways effects. As I experience your behavior of superior thinking and coping skills with your religious ways. Blame has become an escape for you. As well as placing me in an inferior position is one of many coping mechanisms, in your world. For then one never has to look at the reality of it all.
It is me that has suffered in ways you did not have to, because your secret remains locked away. The consequences of having to face all of that history, I have suffered deeply for. In more ways then you could possibly comprehend. In ways, that you are not even aware of.
So, keep this in mind. I have been your fall person. I took the outrage of this evil, so you didn’t have to. I have been your shield and that is what has allowed you all the gifts of life you have received.
But, as your religious world says. “One never is given what one cannot handle.” And I am this incredibly determined person. Often described by others, through my years of life, as the “strongest person I know”.
My descent out of the hell of darkness has been a journey that is my story. And one day I may even share that story in its entirety. It has made me who I am today. Each piece of it.
It has taught me many lessons. But the greatest lesson of all, is to place value on myself. To love myself fully. That my life is as important an any other. I too offer value to this world. My life does matter. Not because someone else says so, or doesn’t say so. I matter, because my life too has value.
So, keep that dark secret locked away and live your life to the fullest. But know that your life does not have the value it has, without me suffering the burden of that dark, evil secret.
From your religious world you find peace. And that is fine. Each person must find a way to find peace in their world. But know this. It was not christ that was nailed to the cross and died for the sins of others, in our world. It was I for you.
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I am the reason you have been able to live the life you live. To enjoy all you have enjoyed.
And in my world, that means my life has great value.
By Diana Wanamaker
Copyright October 21, 2018
All Rights Reserved