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Does Your Inner Life Match Your External Life?

Image -Scenary Pink trees in Black & white

Horses hold back no inner secrets and make no excuses for being who they are.  They reveal exactly what is near them and within them.  Lies are not tolerated. Fraudalent or phony behavior is not accepted and easily recognized.  Their truths and the inner truths of those around them are eminated as precisely as it is.  They live their lives authentically with genuine expression.  Thinking positive plays no role in the outcome of their life.  They live it in the present, hiding no truths of who they are, ot those around them.Their external and inner being is congruent at all times.

Perhaps the positive movement, has been taken to an extreme, where people are condoning a world without feelings or emotion. One cannot discover their inner truth when living in a state of fear and avoiding emotion. Finding a truth about yourself can sometimes be terribly painful. Most people are not willingly to seek out such pain.

Despite the journey, it is also humbling and freeing to your soul and offers an inner peace and clarity to your world, that nothing else can deliver. Reality and truths are not celebrated in this world, they are shunned and silenced. But new lights shine once you have been down the path of self awareness, there is no turning back and it will forever be a part of your life, offering new enlightment.  Let it be a secret to ’empathy’ and love and peace. In a world where there seems to be more hatred, hurt, narcissism,  and toxic people around, you can choose to become one of them by avoiding inner truths. Avoiding pain, running from emotions, or pretending away the unapparent life we hide from others and ourselves has a way of festering and erupting outwardly in often harmful manners.

Horses are often a conduit of self awareness, if  you open yourself to it.  They deliver truths about who you are in a non-threatening and often inviting way.  If lies are your speciality, it will be mirrored back to you by the way of the horse.   It is entirely up to you if you care to accept that and change it.

Perfection is not the goal, but seeking your own role in yout life, is the only way to avoid becoming what is so hurtfully done to you. I would rather contribute to love and peace and the empathy of others, than become something that is filled with hatred and bitterness and acts out in destructive ways. But, we are all human, and allowing us that is also of importance. Each person has their own journey. I simply choose to live my life, best I can, with a harmony of inner and external lives as one. As the way of the horse….

By Diana Wanamaker

Copyright April 2016. All Rights Reserved

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Truth Be Told

 

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By Diana Wanamaker

Truth be told. I see Sadie Lou as a piece of me that seems to never exit from my life. It carries on without my given permission. I simply want to see it disappear forever. As she walked away from me time and time again, I felt this incredible sadness of all those that walked away from me in present or past. When she rejected the love I was willing to give to her, it reminded me of all the rejection from so many who were not capable of love. When she was often emotionally unavailable with me, she triggered big memories of all of those that I had entered relationships with and continued for years, but they were never emotionally available.

I could sense betrayal, hurt, mistrust from her, and could equivocally review the pain of my past matching what Sadie Lou brought to me. I could see myself retreating to that protective shell of paranoia and mistrust of anyone around me. Sadie showed me that. Her distancing, her mistrust, her lack of interest brought me back once again to revisit the many abuses of my past. My mind swirled with past memories of the pain and hurt I endured. Again and again they come. Most of them I chose, other’s I had no choice as to their presence in my life. Even though my story began with the story of abuse, I still knew that I continued to choose those that were abusive, emotionally unavailable and incapable of loving. When it wasn’t present within my choices of men, then it revealed itself in my choices of women friendships. The hurt and suffering continued, to the point, where I will let no one in, and live a life without risking love again. Solitude was more blissful then ever risking love or friendship again.

I saw myself in Sadie and I just wanted to run, to escape, to get rid of what she was unknowingly revealing to me.
Sadie is not able to choose, she may have been taken and put into situations that offered abuse, with no escape. We don’t know her past, but years of being unloved can create an armor shield that no one can penetrate again. I knew this. I could sense it within me and from her.
But, she chose me. This time she had a choice. Why did she choose me? Why? What did she see in me that she felt inclined to be open again to another person in her life?
I became increasingly frustrated by her distancing, her lack of acknowledgement to me. Yet, she was willing to go thru the building of yet another relationship with a person. She did not allow me to see her in any other way, but by what she was willing to do in our training’s. That she was willing to give, but everything else was off limits.
Then it dawned on me, her clear cut boundaries of loving herself first was what I had been lacking all these years in my choices. No matter how much I cared for her, or how much I wanted to love her, she never altered the boundary of me having to EARN that trust. Being true to only herself first. Trusting only when that trust has been earned, not blindly revealing all of herself just because a person was giving to her. Don’t be so trusting of every person.
It is within this reflection that the message to love myself as carefully and committed as Sadie had shown me. To relearn new skills of boundaries, of loving and being loved, by first loving myself. Sadie Lou reminded me of what I needed most in my life.

Don’t think that you owe anybody anything, especially not your most inner self. Understand and accept the choices of the past and today there is a new choice, a new way to find love again. Find a balance between trusting and giving.
Sadie Lou was offering me new lessons that come from love and peace and new knowledge. She was giving to me a new set of skills that, once upon a time, I did not have, in order to make more loving choices for myself.
When she never acknowledged my presence, yet very easily accepted anything I gave to her, I became frustrated with how she seemed to have this entitlement attitude. She did not feel she owed me or anyone anything. She offered only what she could, being true to herself first. She was not obligated to give anything to me at all. Her only duty was to be a companion to Jay and to be willing and open to building a relationship with me. On HER time, not mine.
This is what I love most about animals. They come as teachers continually in our lives. They don’t come with their own agenda’s. If we can be present long enough to take in the awareness they bring for our own lives, we can be gifted by what they reveal to us. They come with only message’s of love and peace and of hope and kindness.
Sadie is giving me a road map to building new friendships, new relationships that can offer in return that I have so freely given, without thought, to others. Sadie is teaching me not only how to accept and love myself, but how to carefully choose future relationships. She also is offering to me, a very special relationship that the two of us will have in time. Each of us giving what we can, bit by bit, building the foundation for a long lasting friendship.
I came into this with fears and uncertainties, as did she. As I became more willing to let go of my fears, and become more relaxed, so did she. She mirrored to me where I was. Yet, still honoring herself.

Copyright March 2015. All Rights Reserved

The Farm Way of Life

Image -Raccoon in trap

By Diana Wanamaker

Just before I left the barn this morning, I saw this fella in the trap the barn owner had set. I got down close to her and talked to her. I began to feel this great sadness, for I knew the fate this one had. Her little ears moved as I talked to her. Her nose twitched and she leaned just ever so slightly towards my voice. I could sense she was young. She had done only what she knew and was only being who she is. Just being a raccoon. Seeking out food and her need to eat. The tempting piece of meat that sat there luring her in.
But her inexperience landed her trapped and scared. Digging fiercely at the cage to escape. She huddled in the back of the cage, as I talked to her and apologized for what was the end of her life. I wanted to let her out. Let her be free again. Then I took a look at Jay, and Kichi sitting near by me, looked back at the raccoon and knew that if I let her go, she would return and would never enter the trap again. I walked away, apologizing again for the end of her life.
The raccoons have completely destroyed the apartment attached to the barn. Once again the mother raccoon had found a nest in the apartment attached to the barn. I could hear them chirping each visit to the barn. They had crawled into the apartment and nested in the ceiling. The barn owner had set traps. But she is too smart…..and too busy taking care of babies. But that too ended.

The barn owner had gone into the apartment the other day and found 3 dead baby raccoons. They had fallen thru the ceiling from all the urine soaked dry wall and died. Mom had left and there was no further sign of raccoon’s in the apartment. But then I found my supplements had been attempted to get into. Cat food container had been knocked around, etc., etc.
They are a nuisance, the raccoons. They create possible health hazards and they destroy all they leave their hands on. Just being who they are. But the barn owner and myself don’t want them in the barn. I am all for living in peace with the living things that inhabit the life of a farm. It is part of a farm. But, sometimes it is a choice between the raccoons and the animals I love and care for.
I had wished there was another way. I wished that the raccoon that was trapped was not the last thing that it knew or experienced.
Much like life itself. Sometimes just for being who we are, we take the bait that promises what we seek. Just as the raccoon had. We become trapped, scared, not knowing our fate or understanding why it had come to such a point in life, just for being who we are and seeking what was perfectly natural. The sometimes harsh way of farm life is no different then the way of life.
It is easy to wish they would go away, to complain about what a nuisance they are and to know that they are destructive, cost money and can be hazardous. But when you look into their eyes and you see the fear in their face, all that means very little. It is easy in life to wish others away. To resent their decisions, their actions. But when you know their story. When you meet them in person and know who they are. Look into their eyes, it is a different perspective that will enlighten you.

We don’t always have a choice in our decisions that may inevitably inflict fear and suffering on others.  But we do have a choice to make our apologies, to offer our humanity to another, with no defense of our actions.  At very least we can accept that responsibility.

Copyright April 26, 2016. All Rights Reserved

Mirror Mirror

Image -Sadie lou Spring 2015

By Diana Wanamaker

Dear Sadie Lou,

Mirror Mirror
a hand reaches out
feel it’s warmth encircled in love
shuffled from home to home
the touch that leaves it’s sting of betrayal
trust again
feel the hand that leaves scars
shuffled again
the ghost of trust leaves its distant shadow
Why open again to another hand of trust
again they will leave
again they will betray
Why invest outside of the inner world
raise your guards
put on your armor
never give in again to the hand of trust
that leaves it’s silhouette of darkness
open the door
view the crack of light that circles the room
allowing the past, opening the future
stand still in the history
or move forward into hope
Mirror Mirror

There lies the history of your world with each time you turn away, each time you walk in fear. Your uncertainty of ever allowing to trust again is shown in your escape. Your inner world only opens to the external light when your guard is down. You yearn for the warmth of love, but place a shield around your heart. In small sequential steps you allow to be seen for all you have to give in return. The past dictates the fear that envelops your outermost world. Uncertainty and mistrust have become your faithful guides. It is a see saw of caution and trust. Acting committed, feeling doubt. All you knew speaks louder words than what your present world offers.
Why trust again? Why open up again to another person when it always ends. There is no forever. There is only today. Life passes by with no commitment’s, easily passed on from one place, one person, to the next. There is no real nirvana relationship. To risk again is for the sake of love and the escape of the isolated world of fear.
It will always be with you. You have come a long ways. You will see again the goodness of other’s.
You cannot be told to love again, only time and trust writes that story.

Shall you imagine a world between us where only love wins. Where you may give all that can be returned. May the past lower it’s shield and open it’s gates to a relationship that will allow us both to live in peace forever. To a paradise where dreams speak softly. Where a hand only strokes in kindness. Where trust is the foundation. And love wins.

Mirror Mirror

I wrote this recognizing what I saw in Sadie is what I too am, and what I too have experienced. It has come to this point in my life, where there has been so much hurt, so much betrayal and deep loss (particularly life long friendships) that I too had come to a place where I did not want to trust again. I too walk in caution with each new person I meet. Excited about the new possibilities of new friendships, yet cautioned by each new step I take forward. Mirror, mirror was a look at how Sadie and I share the same history that has taken us to the same place in life today.  How we each desire to overcome it, and live beyond it.

Copyright September 19, 2015. All Rights Reserved

The Mule Connection

Image -Sadie Lou summer

By Diana Wanamaker

I got the closest and best snuggle yet from Sadie Lou last night! It was wonderful! So wonderful I had to share! Not my first snuggle, but the closest snuggle I have had from her yet.
I walked up to her and I stop about 2 ft. from her and talk softly to her, because I can feel her backing away, as she often does. Then I took a few more steps and approached her, towards her shoulder. Once I reached her, I reward her with a neck massage and talking to her in a soft, tone. Then I approached her head and stroked her head softly, reaching up to itch her ears (and she leaned into it). Then I speak to her in a soft, whisper tone, as I begin very slowly and very softly stroking her nose and her head. Her head was down and she remained quiet and still, not turning away, but enjoying the snuggle. Then I put my check up against a nook, just below her ear, as I softly stroked her nose and her head, talking soft, sweet loving words to her. Her head was relaxed and placed in a low position, leaning against me. I grabbed the moment. She allowed herself to enjoy it and released her often stout, on guard stance she takes. We both just allowed one another to be there snuggled to one another, trusting the other with this very close proximity. I was in awe! Then I thanked her and told her what an awesome Mule girl she is and walked away to finish my chores. She followed me into the stall and I continued to tell her how wonderful that moment of closeness was! I had a smile on my face all the way back home last night and continued to immerse myself in the feelings of that wonderful moment of closeness we shared!

As I began her training, I was impressed with her extremely quick learning and how willing she was to please. She often would ask me what she should be doing, as I was learning this new method of connecting (Parelli) myself.
I know today, there are my own issues of past and abusive relationships that play a part in this relationship. I have learned that what I expect is what would have been from a human relationship. Absolutely nothing would come from an abusive relationship. Progress forward would not exist. Sadie has opened so many triggers for me, in ways I had forgot, because of her distancing and what seems to be a never ending world of never trusting again. As I learn myself to trust again, and to deal with my own ghosts of my past, as she learns to release her’s as well.
No doubt there are days I want to give up, and I know there are days where Sadie wants absolutely nothing to do with me!
The push-pull of developing a closer connection is a long, and slow road with a mule, is what I have learned.
But, when I least expect it, she becomes a partner and surprises me with her willingness to give and be the partnership I hope for her and I to be. I have also learned how I need to be a trusting partner to her, in a way she feels safe and more willing to release her trust.
It is, without question, the most unusual and the most challenging relationship I have had with an animal, hands down!
But we are both here, and I have learned to cherish each moment of connection, each step of progress she gives to me, and each time I am able to learn to respond to her in a way she connects. Each of us learning, giving, releasing and pulling away again. She really is an amazing animal and as we continue on, I continue to struggle with trusting her, but I also have learned to celebrate each and every moment she releases her trust to me.

Copyright November 27, 2015. All Rights Reserved