This here is a story that one would think would come from a movie script, for it has it’s beauty and it’s shadow, along with it’s surprises and incredible connections, the loss, amazing reconnections, addiction, astonishing truths and sinister outlines.
I lost a very dear friend a couple years back. We had known each other since middle school and had stayed in touch over the years from time to time.
Then life happens and time and distance take place. No longer in touch except an occasional phone call out of the blue from her.
Then once again reunited the last four years of her time here on earth.
The Shadow of Darkness
In The Light Of Darkness
She appeared at a time in my life when all was lost. Friends gone, conflict had ensued a wicked storm of repercussions beyond my belief. Bullying took place, untruthful rumors spread, friends joined forces with the bullies. Lost the career I had been working on for 2 yrs. Was one of few targeted to shut down my doors of business. No allies in sight. Was on the hunt for a new barn for my horses. My rental home was about to end and I had no place to go. Homelessness looming over my head. No family or friends that gave a care. I was left with pretty much nothing and no hope for a future.
My energetic vibration was dark and low, falling further and further from the light. That attracted more of the same. I hid. Isolated. Kept my distance from others. Lost hope. Each day was only a matter of going through the motions.
I only had one reason to keep going. For each day I struggled to find a reason to continue to be here. I had no value in this world at all. Financially, spiritually, emotionally, socially or with family or friends. It was the love for my animals that got me out of bed each morning and drove myself to work. Without them I had absolutely no value on this earth.
It had been decades since I had heard from her. We connected on Facebook (go figure). So began our dialogue. Catching up on each other’s lives. Sharing. Laughing. Expressing all that was wounded and all that was delightful in having a friend.
It is like that, you know. An angel of light appears in your life. One that you couldn’t imagine, no matter how hard you search for answers, or hard you look for a friend to come to your side.
Our stories paralleled with one another. Each broken by the narcissists of the world. The betrayals. The brokenness of our spirits. The anger of it’s cloak upon our lives that we did not reckon upon.
We became each other’s sister.
And so a friendship was rekindled and born out of the shadows of darkness.
Life is funny like that. Despite our torn worlds and our low vibration of energy, we happened to attract light of goodness to save our spirit within.
This is something that I have learned about those who truly have a soul of goodness. There is always a light within. It wins over evil that preys on that low vibration. For soulless people never attract light. Ever! They steal it. They take it captive from others like a vampire. They crave it, but they are not souls that are conspired of goodness, their intentions only mark the world with despair and evil.
Spirit guides hold that torch of lightness and when one can no longer fathom how they will ever see that illumination again, it appears. The form it comes in, is always in perfect form. Surprising and beyond what one could fathom.
The Beauty Of Life & Friendship
This is where the story turns and the healing began. It was from her friendship that life began to turn. It was from her validation that my heart healed. From her support and what grew to be a friendship filled with genuine love, that I began to feel the beauty of life again.
Her kindness and understanding helped rise me up. I began to have pep in my step. I smiled again. I had something to look forward to each day.
Our talks shed the tears of hurt and anger from betrayals. We had each others backs. Supporting and validating one another. Allowing the hurt to express it’s ugliness. No judgements. Just pure friendship, when we both were crying out from the depths of our soul to be heard. To be saved.
Her sense of humor had me in stitches. Her true support of wondering where I was when my return messages were delayed. Exchanging our hopes for the future and our information for emergencies.
I had lost a life long friendship prior to connecting again with her. The fact that we now had one another since middle school was, I am certain, no mistake. For I value so much life long friendships. More often I value them, more then they value me. I am a person who is loyal to death, whether that be mine or theirs.
Although, I will say, this is not always an endearing quality, for I have learned to always value oneself more then any friendship, any relationship.
But it was interesting and certainly offered to both of us something we both needed. We took the time to rekindle a friendship with having this history to share as well. It was perfectly wrapped to heal both of us.
For about 2 yrs. this beautiful friendship continued. I began to awaken again. Life was filled with bright colors and beauty. I began to get back on track. Got back in the saddle again and started over. Followed my dreams. Followed my heart, never faltering or making excuses to go full steam ahead with a plan of action.
It was that friendship that gave me that once again. To pursue the happiness of my life. It gave me strength to make repairs. To try again. To forgive my mistakes. To start again.
Friendship is a beautiful thing and I treasure every moment I had with her.
Then I didn’t hear from her for 6 months. I called. Text. Messaged. Emailed. But nothing.
I couldn’t figure out what happened. But I wasn’t going to pursue something that wasn’t putting forth the same efforts. I was stronger now, and life went on. She was always on my mind and I hoped she was well.
Then I heard from her again. She had connected with a childhood sweetheart. The love of her life. Someone she had loved since she was 14 yrs. old. Someone she had never forgotten and whose calling to her heart had never left her.
Sure, there are those turns and detours in life. But he was one that she never forgot.
She told me that they had connected and that they were in love. That each day they talked with one another.
Lets go back in time for a bit.
She was friends with my sister in childhood. That is how we knew one another. We stayed connected to some degree, even after the friendship with my sister dissolved. That is where our roots came from.
It was when they were just teenagers that they fell in love. I was older then my sister, had a car, so I was the one that often drove them to their rendezvous meetings. They were too young to know anything about love and I was too young to know anything about intervening in it all.
Of course, the parents of both my sister and my friend forbid any further meetings with them.
But not in their hearts.
Life went on. Both of them got married later in life. He had kids. She had none.
She eventually moved out of state.
He always lived out of state.
And it was through Facebook (I guess there is some good things about this platform) when a high school reunion gathering that he was forced to become a techie with Facebook and use messenger. Somehow Facebook connected them, even though they had not seen or talked with one another in about 40 yrs.
That was it. They connected. Fell in love all over again.
It was this amazing love story. I was so happy for her!
40 years of a love in your heart, even before one was old to really understand love. But the heart knows, They reunited to find that love again.
With all the twists and turns in life, they found one another again. Reconnected and had the time of their life. Love found. True heartfelt love.
Then she fell ill. Seriously ill. She had suffered from failing health for quite some time now.
Months passed, and we had hope she would make it through the many challenges of health she was facing. Tumors on the brain, in the liver and the lungs. She was riddled with cancer.
From this euphoric state of love to the failing health of her body.
Her brother contacted me to let me know she was in the hospital. I was shocked. My heart sank. I sat down in the chair that day, my head to my hand, and I could feel the tears come to surface. My gut wrenched with despair.
What was puzzling to me is that she didn’t have a relationship with her brother at all. But I did not give that much merit at this point. I was more concerned at how I could get ahold of her. How could I talk to her.
At this point she was so overtaken with medication’s, she floated in and out of consciousness.
Her thoughts not always coherent.
I talked with her and I remember that she said she was being moved to hospice.
It all happened so quickly.
And it was her brother that kept me somewhat informed.
I had one last conversation with her before she passed on. She was in hospice and I had tried again and again to reach her. Desperately wanting to talk with her, before there was no other opportunity.
One day I finally reached her. She was quite drugged up. Fading in speech. Short short periods of being conscience. She immediately recognized my voice. I told her how much I loved her and said all the things a friend would hope to say to a dying friend. She said something funny like she always did. She passed out, but I continued to speak with her. I knew she could hear me.
I spoke of my day. Of our friendship. Of my feelings for her. I did all I could to brighten her day and promised to call back in a day. I was busy with work and wanted to be sure she knew how I felt.
A day or two later. Her brother contacted me to tell me that she had passed away.
As quickly as blowing on dandelion puff in the wind. It’s seeds spreading everywhere, nowhere to be found again. She was gone.
And I never heard another word from him. No funeral arrangements were discussed or told to me. No contact from him again. Despite my reaching out to him several times.
It was rather strange and I kept wondering for months and years later what happened.
I had contacted her fiancé’ the only way I knew how, through Facebook. But no word.
There was this empty hole. This unfinished business left. No closure. So many unanswered questions. I was heartbroken. I felt devastated. Attempted to get a ticket to fly and see her before she passed on, but it was not affordable. I was left with no way to plug in the hollow feeling I felt.
My posture sunk. My tears flowed. I thought of her constantly. Life propelled forward as it always does when a life leaves this earthly plain. We are left with the pieces and their soul rests forever in peace. Most of all I felt this hollowness for the lack of closure. It continued to haunt me, Questions popping in my head from time to time. Memories of her. But still no answers.
No word from anyone. Gone as if she never existed.
Life is funny like that. When you have this stronghold of desperation to find the answers, to seek the change that is needed, to hang on for dear life to what seems to be the lifeline, it does not come.
It comes when you let go. When you no longer seek in desperation, but quietly let go. When there is no longer this fortress of anguish. When the thoughts no longer possess its power over you. When they quietly visit you in a shield of acceptance. It no longer torments you.
This is when answers appear.
Two years later her fiancé contacted me. Just like that. Like a seedling that suddenly sprouts and quickly grows into this beautiful blossom. He wanted to talk with me.
My thought was it has been over 2 yrs. since she had passed, why now?!
Of course I accepted and looked forward to connecting again with someone who was so close to someone who also held her so dear to her heart. I was it much like having her here all over again.
We talked and talked and talked. Many questions answered for each of us. There were so many mysteries surrounding her illness and her death. We were able to close so many of those doors by talking with one another.
We laughed and had fun with it and it was as if she was right there with us.
But there were some questions that both of us still asked and could not figure out what had happened. We naturally continued sharing our stories of our dear friend. Details revealed. Insights were discovered. The untold scenarios were led right into the mouths of the conversation.
Apparently, my dear friend had suffered a back injury years ago due to the fault of the surgeon (exactly why I don’t trust doctors), had sued, won, and had become financially comfortable beyond that many of us will only dream about.
However, she had also become inflicted with an addiction. Addicted to many pain killers. Was continuing to drink and was knee deep in addiction. Hiding the facts from both me and her fiancé’.
She knew how I felt about using, yet she continued to hide this side of her.
Her fiancé explained irrational and belligerent behavior towards him.
Gaps of time where she wouldn’t respond to me.
Avoidance of subjects.
Unanswered questions about her life to me.
It was all making sense now. To both of us. To me and to her fiancé’.
I felt this sense of betrayal again. I questioned our friendship and how real was it really?
Deceived by her. Just as when she had walked into my life and appeared to be this beaming light of strength. It now all seemed as if it was nothing but deception. That once again I was a receptacle for the energy vampires of the world.
Was she just using me? Like so many of us empaths seem to be fated to experience.
I was torn. Hurt, devastated. Yet, there were these answers. Mysteries solved for both me and her fiancé.
I also knew and could not ignore that this is what addiction does. It wraps itself around the person it has captivated. Jailed. Then it begins to slowly take it’s soul one piece at a time, affecting a slow death. It feeds off destruction and deceptions.
The person become someone we no longer recognize or like. The shame leaks within. The lies and deceptions affect not just the captured soul but those that surround themselves around the addicted soul. It finds much pleasure in not only damaging one person, but linking to many others and negatively impacting them as well. It feeds off such negativity and destruction.
It was apparent that I had seen the friend that she wanted me to see, for she held her addiction well and lied to me with every intent to hide it. This is what addiction does.
I was lucky enough to know the real person, the friend that lifted me up from the wrings of despair.
Her fiancé was not as fortunate.
There we shared what we knew and loved of our dear freind. We remembered not just what she had succumb to, but the sweet dear person we knew and loved.
Addiction is double edged sword. It scatters its victims far and wide.
As our conversation continued between her fiancé and myself, further mysteries unfolded.
I could never understand why her fiancé had gone home and was not near her during her last days.
During our conversation, I learned that her mother had asked him to leave. That it was best he was not there.
But why? Why would she do that?
I knew one thing, and this is what a deeply committed friendship offers. The intimate details and intricacies of their relationships with family and other friends. Who really cares for them and who does not. What really goes on behind the iron curtain of double dealing.
Her mother was not to be trusted at all. A true narcissist. She had this rocky, hate/ove relationship with her mother. Her mother was not a person she could trust or rely on. She was very manipulative and a true Jekyll land Hyde personality.
But how did that fit into all of this?
Her mother knew how much she loved her fiancé. She also like him.
Then it became clear as the conversation with her fiancé and myself continued.
It was the MONEY!
Her mother and her brother were always in partnership together as my friend grew up with that.
They were threatened by her fiance and was concerned she might change her will to give all her riches to him. So her mother kept him away.
I had no clue she had such wealth until I spoke with her fiancé over 2 yrs. after her death.
That is also why I was not given too many details about where she was in hospice and what hospital she was in, etc. I was given numbers to contact her, but no answer to details about where she was.
Then when she passed, there was no word of a funeral.
Only later to find that there was no funeral. No memorial service at all.
She was cremated. Her ashes spread across a crappy creek where her father’s ashes were also spread.
No recognition of her life. No acknowledgement. No cathartic process of her death.
As if she didn’t even exist. As if she didn’t matter at all.
And all because they were afraid of her money being taken from them.
Deciding that it was best to not have any contact with any of her friends after she passed on.
Afraid that if someone got close to her before she died or after that it would steal from their pockets what she had left in her bank accounts.
It makes me sick!!!
She had mentioned to her fiancé’ that she wanted to leave her condo and money to him when she was sick. But he was optimistic and didn’t want o discuss money. His heart had no interest in money, it was her well being that was most important to him.
I know deep in my heart that she would have never wanted that money to go to her brother or her mother. She would have wanted it to go to the one person she loved so deeply. Her beloved fiancé.
This is what money does to people.
It is worst then addiction.
It changes them. Not in the light, but in the darkness.
He was given a small stipend in thought of probably silencing him and to appease him.
But they took hold of her entire estate and were left very wealthy people.
Left to people she would have never wanted it to be left to.
The Wonder of it All
I am left to wonder about it all.
How much do you really know about a person?
And maybe we are not intended to know it all.
Finances are often this unspoken, hidden secret.
Each one guarding every bit of wealth they have with lies, and deceit.
It changes people.
I have never given much power to money.
I felt guilty that others had it while others suffered from the lack of it.
I envied those that didn’t have to worry about food on the table or a roof over their head.
I saw over and over again how it brought corruption and lies and deception.
Even in my own family.
How it changed people.
How they will fight to protect it and any cost.
How disposable people are who have little to no money
I have never understood this
Over and over again I have seen how money brings much darkness to others.
I have learned that everyone is disposable when it comes to money
I saw the evil it brings.
But, I have also learned that it holds an intrinsic value to each of us.
It is up to each of us to decide how it will take hold of our life.
For it’s importance matters. It just simply does.
One must have it to survive, to thrive, to live.
But how one gains it, keeps it and uses it is what makes the difference.
Also how one shares it, if you have the good fortune to do so.
It is all in the perception.
Even if there is not much to go around, I give thanks each day to what I do have.
I gain a better understanding of my own value and as I do so, I gain more financial rewards.
I learned that there is only ME in this world that will help me.
I must first master this.
Then I will be gifted with financial securities.
One might say my dear friend suffered greatly for the wealth she was gifted.
And I wish she was her with me today, so I could ask her more about that.
Was it all worth it?
But she is not.
For in the wealth, she suffered from a drug addiction.
She suffered a horrible marriage with a psychopathic narcissist.
She suffered pain everyday and was riddled in illness most of her life.
Unable to really enjoy much physical activity in life.
Living off of pain medications and an arsenal of other medications.
A shaky and distant relationship with her mother and brother.
Is this really the price she had to pay for wealth.
Or was it her choices?
Yet, despite all of this, she was gifted with this great and huge love story.
Love of a man bigger than any hardships or misfortunes.
The kind of love story we all yearn for.
A friendship with myself that she spoke of in high regards and cherished to her last breath.
She spoke of nothing but goodness about me and our friendship.
How does one put a price on friendship?
Is there any greater gift then love or friendship.
Now her soul rests in peace.
Her spirit in a place where she no longer suffers.
Where money doesn’t matter
But love and the memory of her forever lives on.
Goodbye my dear friend.
Thank you for bringing light and hope to my life when there was so much darkness.