By Diana Wanamaker
Truth be told. I see Sadie Lou as a piece of me that seems to never exit from my life. It carries on without my given permission. I simply want to see it disappear forever. As she walked away from me time and time again, I felt this incredible sadness of all those that walked away from me in present or past. When she rejected the love I was willing to give to her, it reminded me of all the rejection from so many who were not capable of love. When she was often emotionally unavailable with me, she triggered big memories of all of those that I had entered relationships with and continued for years, but they were never emotionally available.
I could sense betrayal, hurt, mistrust from her, and could equivocally review the pain of my past matching what Sadie Lou brought to me. I could see myself retreating to that protective shell of paranoia and mistrust of anyone around me. Sadie showed me that. Her distancing, her mistrust, her lack of interest brought me back once again to revisit the many abuses of my past. My mind swirled with past memories of the pain and hurt I endured. Again and again they come. Most of them I chose, other’s I had no choice as to their presence in my life. Even though my story began with the story of abuse, I still knew that I continued to choose those that were abusive, emotionally unavailable and incapable of loving. When it wasn’t present within my choices of men, then it revealed itself in my choices of women friendships. The hurt and suffering continued, to the point, where I will let no one in, and live a life without risking love again. Solitude was more blissful then ever risking love or friendship again.
I saw myself in Sadie and I just wanted to run, to escape, to get rid of what she was unknowingly revealing to me.
Sadie is not able to choose, she may have been taken and put into situations that offered abuse, with no escape. We don’t know her past, but years of being unloved can create an armor shield that no one can penetrate again. I knew this. I could sense it within me and from her.
But, she chose me. This time she had a choice. Why did she choose me? Why? What did she see in me that she felt inclined to be open again to another person in her life?
I became increasingly frustrated by her distancing, her lack of acknowledgement to me. Yet, she was willing to go thru the building of yet another relationship with a person. She did not allow me to see her in any other way, but by what she was willing to do in our training’s. That she was willing to give, but everything else was off limits.
Then it dawned on me, her clear cut boundaries of loving herself first was what I had been lacking all these years in my choices. No matter how much I cared for her, or how much I wanted to love her, she never altered the boundary of me having to EARN that trust. Being true to only herself first. Trusting only when that trust has been earned, not blindly revealing all of herself just because a person was giving to her. Don’t be so trusting of every person.
It is within this reflection that the message to love myself as carefully and committed as Sadie had shown me. To relearn new skills of boundaries, of loving and being loved, by first loving myself. Sadie Lou reminded me of what I needed most in my life.
Don’t think that you owe anybody anything, especially not your most inner self. Understand and accept the choices of the past and today there is a new choice, a new way to find love again. Find a balance between trusting and giving.
Sadie Lou was offering me new lessons that come from love and peace and new knowledge. She was giving to me a new set of skills that, once upon a time, I did not have, in order to make more loving choices for myself.
When she never acknowledged my presence, yet very easily accepted anything I gave to her, I became frustrated with how she seemed to have this entitlement attitude. She did not feel she owed me or anyone anything. She offered only what she could, being true to herself first. She was not obligated to give anything to me at all. Her only duty was to be a companion to Jay and to be willing and open to building a relationship with me. On HER time, not mine.
This is what I love most about animals. They come as teachers continually in our lives. They don’t come with their own agenda’s. If we can be present long enough to take in the awareness they bring for our own lives, we can be gifted by what they reveal to us. They come with only message’s of love and peace and of hope and kindness.
Sadie is giving me a road map to building new friendships, new relationships that can offer in return that I have so freely given, without thought, to others. Sadie is teaching me not only how to accept and love myself, but how to carefully choose future relationships. She also is offering to me, a very special relationship that the two of us will have in time. Each of us giving what we can, bit by bit, building the foundation for a long lasting friendship.
I came into this with fears and uncertainties, as did she. As I became more willing to let go of my fears, and become more relaxed, so did she. She mirrored to me where I was. Yet, still honoring herself.
Copyright March 2015. All Rights Reserved